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How to talk to your kids about death?

This is the post excerpt.

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bigstock-father-comforts-a-sad-child-p-29429954Seeing this title I Am sure some of us shall will just scroll away without reading the content. Because death is a topic which upsets us and discussing this with young minds is something we would better avoid since as mothers we would never want to see our kids unhappy. But then we feel the prick when our kids have to deal with a death of close member in family whether of grandparents, parents, sibling or any other relatives.  then there are the usual issues of children going in sadness ,depression ,fear  or developing bizarre ideas of death.

At times to pacify kids as well as of our own ignorance  some parents  say strange things .Like  as a child I remember all my friends had weird notions about death. Some friends would say my Grandpa is just sleeping  but under the ground .At times  they felt dead people become stars in the sky . Some of my muslim friends had parents who had really innovated new things like people who die come back to their homes on Thursday.I still remember visiting one of such a friends house on Thursday and she said,” You know every thursday my grandmother comes to house in different forms.” Suddenly a butterfly came flying and sat on her father’s hand. The whole family exclaimed with moist eyes, “ Grandma is come!” And I just looked on as to what connection this poor butterfly had with the grandmother . My friend’s father had such hairy hands which could be a soft abode for any insects to sit or play on.LOL. For this I think we should first educate ourselves about concept of death in Islam.

Its important to keep the children’s age in mind while explaining to them about death

For Ages 3-5 yr old:

  • Preschool children mostly see death as temporary,and images in cartoon like ghosts and spirits.
  • Use concrete language, such as “die,” not words like sleep or he died of old age or died because of getting very sick. Such kids may develop fear of sleep,or will be confused on seeing a young person dying or may fear death when sick.
  • Death can be explained with relating it to simple objects like flowers, butterflies etc. Life cycle can be explained .Most of preschool Children do not process bad news in the same way that adults do. Adults understand the permanence of death immediately, so we respond with tears. Children, especially pre-schoolers may not understand the permanence of death right away, so they may not have a strong initial reaction to bad news.

           For ages 5-9 yrs old:

  • Most children are beginning to see that all living things eventually die and that death is final. They tend to not relate it to themselves and consider the idea that they can escape it. They may associate images with death, such as a skeleton. Some children have nightmares about them.
  • They may question a lot .. For instance, a question such as, “When will you die?” needs to be heard with the realisation that the young child perceives death as temporary
  • If Your child is to attend a funeral, they need to be prepared beforehand for what they might see and hear before, during and after the service. Explain that it is a very sad occasion and that some people will be crying and others feeling very sad.
  • I would highly recommend the book Grandpa Passes Away which is a book featuring young Zayd and his family. He loses his grandfather but learns how to cope with this natural phenomenon. The title is not as sad as it may sound at first. Infact this book explains in a simple manner death,funeral rites and is comforting for kids. It has information targeted especially for this age group .Its available online at http://www.theislamickidstore.com/collections/story-books/products/grandpa-passes-away
  • Trying to shelter children from these realities only denies them from the opportunity to express their feelings and be comforted. Sharing feelings between you and your child will benefit you both.
  • Console them . For example, “Aunt Sara will pick you up from school like Grandma used to.” Or, “I need to stay with Grandpa for a few days. That means you and Dad will be home taking care of each other. But I’ll talk to you every day, and I’ll be back on Sunday.”Children can feel insecure during heavy or serious conversation. They may want to get back to normal as soon as possible. This may mean returning quickly to the game they were playing or the TV show they were watching. This doesn’t mean the child didn’t hear or understand. Parents can join the child in the activity in order to be there when questions arise.
  •       They know more about how the body works, so they may have specific questions about how someone dies. Use visual aids they can understand.Make specific references to organs like heart and lungs.
  • Make clear that death is not like the images in cartoons.
  • Make clear to siblings that what happened to a brother or sister doesn’t happen to everyone

For 10+ yrs old

  • 10+year-olds understand the permanence of death:
  • They know that death is final and will happen to everyone including themselves.
  • They understand that their own death or the death of a sibling will cause sadness in others. A sick child at this age may say he has to hold on for his parents’ sake.
  • They will respond more like adults with anger, sadness, and fear.
  • They will have increasingly more specific questions about the illness and about death and They can find information on their own.
  • Find opportunities for constructive venting of feelings, such as sibling groups at islamic centers
  • Provide as much specific, factual information as possible.
  • Don’t be hurt when teenagers seek the support of their friends more than their parents.
  • Let them listen to  lectures of Islamic speakers especially of those who more youth relate too.
  • Take them along to any islamic centers where they can meet teens of their age or send them to islamic camps.

Inculcating Moral VAlues in kids

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( Below is an excerpt of live session done by myself Aaliyah Khan. You can view session youtube channel at https://youtu.be/p0qOSCfn0do)

Children are parents most valuable asset and every parent dreams about making their children amazing,responsible people. Besides giving good education imparting moral values is important.

Especially Muslims are quiAte ignorant about the importance of these values. In an authentic chain of narration there is a Hadith which states ,”I was only sent to perfect good manners and attitude.. In a seperate HAdith , Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) has said, “Whoever is deprived of kindness is deprived of goodness. “

There are Practical tips I would love to share which would make inculcating these values easier

  1. TEACH MORAL VALUES BY BEING THEIR ROLE MODEL : From 5-6 yrs children start differentiating between right and wrong. They see their parent as a role models. As they grow understanding grows and they understand concepts. They become keen observers. They quickly judge if there is a discrepancy between what you say and what you do.
  2. NARRATE STORIES OF PROPHETS:  Let them have the right role models other than fictional heroes, cartoon characters. Just not narrate but discuss stories with them. Tell them which qualities of prophets you admire and why. This shall instill good qualities.
  3. BE POLITE,RESPECTFUL: Listen respectfully to them when they are narrating you an incident.  Respect,kindness, are values we all aim to inculcate in kids. But it is more easier said than done.  It requires us to exhibit the same
  4.  INVOLVE THEM IN RELIGIOUS ACTIVITIES SINCE YOUNG: Do not wait for them to become 7 yrs to actually start offering Salaah. LOvingly introduce them to Salaah, Reading quran etc.
  5. SPEND QUALITY TIME: A time wherin neither of you are distracted by gadgets or work etc. 
  6. DIALOGUE IN REAL SITUATIONS:  Discuss while in a situation eg a shopkeeper shouting at employee or a child throwing tantrum in a supermaket. Whether this behavious is good or not. Also what should the right behaviour be?
  7. PROVIDE OPPORTUNITY TO HELP OTHERS
  8. COMMENT ON COMPASSIONATE BEHAVIOUR: Emphasise CAring is an important value. Eg keep elder one responsible for some chores of the younger one. 
  9. APOLOGISE WHEN YOU MAKE MISTAKES
  10. SHARE OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCES
  11. HOLD CHILD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR MISTAKES. NEVER TRY TO ALWAYS CONCEAL IT: Here we need to strike a balance. There are some  parents who react to every mistake the child does. on the other end are parents who try to cover up the mistakes of their kids. There should be a balanced approach wherin a parent should react in some situations and leave out others. Minor punishments can be given like decreasing their play time or cartoon viewing time etc
  12. APPLAUD GOOD BEHAVIOUR
  13. USE PARENTAL CONTROLS AND ENSURE THAT YOUR CHILD IS WATCHING THE RIGHT CARTOONS AND KEEP AN EYE ON SOCIAL MEDIA USE.                                      These are some of the tips which one can use to inculcate moral values in kids with hadith which says that, “Allah SWT will ask every caretaker about people under his care and Man shall be asked about people of his household.”                                        As a parent it is our responsibility to raise kids with right Islamic values.  

I would end this session with Duaa from SUrah Ahqaf verse 15 :

My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favor which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents and to work righteousness of which You will approve and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You, and indeed, I am of the Muslims.. Aameen Ya RAbb.

For those looking out for books on Islamic values can check out A Treasury of Islamic values which is available at  https://www.theislamickidstore.com/collections/story-books/products/a-treasury-of-islamic-values-for-children-ed-tajwar-hasan

 

 

An interview with Sr. Umm Rayyan: Teenage and Islam

Live
Assalam alai kum sisters,
The signs today suggest we sure seem to live in end of times. Our teenagers are exposed to variety of evil like obscenity, violence, abuse, peer pressure, etc. In this scenario what should an ideal approach of a Muslim parent be and how should the Muslim youth themselves be able to survive and excel in this environment along with holding firmly to their tenets of faith. Sr. Umm Rayyanis a counselor and a level 10 Muslimah life coach. She is a mother of two teenagers herself and with her background in Islamic psychology, she has discussed  all these issues and  questions on live session in the group Alhamdulillah I am a productive Muslimah . Here is an excerpt from the interview.
1) Assalam alai kum sister Umm Rayaan. Glad to have you here. Tell me something about yourself?
Wa alaikumus salaam wa rahmathullahi wa barakatuhu. I am a graduate in psychology and a student of Islam, I am a Level 10 Muslimah Life Coach, and my focus is to help Muslim women and teenage girls live a holistic, level 10 life of purpose, through Psychology, mindfulness and Islam. I help my sisters in deen with the understanding and importance of connecting with our fitrah, to embrace life as it comes and live with Ihsan(excellence) ‎إن شاء الله‬.
2)Any direct quranic references or  hadith which talk about teenagers?
There are no specific references from the Quran for the teenagers, in Islam there is no concept of adolescence, it is childhood and then adulthood, that means once a child hits puberty they are considered adults which means they are begin their accountability with Allah‎ﷻ‬ for their actions and obedience to Allah‎ﷻ‬. So, the references from the Quran and Sunnah are the same that there are for any person. We can take parenting lessons from Surah Yusuf and Surah Luqman and also from the life of Prophet‎ﷺ‎‬ as to how he dealt with the young sahabas, radiallahu anhuma, ‎he was very respectful and mindful of their emotions. ‎الحمد لله‎‬
3)What is approach Muslim parents should have in dealing with teenagers?
Teenage is a transitional period, there are a lot of physiological as well as psychological changes that they go through at this age. On one had they are treated like kids and on the other hand they are expected to act like adults, these conflicting message coming from parents can get very confusing for them, rather we have to make this transition easy for them, so we need to first understand what exactly is going on with them biologically. If we see their brain, neurologically their brain are still developing, when the children are in the initial stages of development they are trying to learn a lot of things and their development is rapid so their brains are also rapidly building connections called ‘synapses’, so when they are in the teenage the brain is undergoing a process called ‘pruning’, where it is trying to shed a lot of the connections that it thinks it doesn’t need and it is building new connections, like sort of a decluttering process, and thins causes a lot of behavioral changes in them as well, so we we think our kids are acting out, having mood swings and lashing out at us, their bodies are actually dealing with so many things going on within them, and they aren’t doing it intentionally. Its simply means their logical part of the brain is still developing and their emotional part of the brain is highly active and their thinking is emotion based, rather than logic based. So, lecturing them at this point is not going to help, because they are not wired to process those lectures. What they need from us is love, understanding and support to get through this phase of their lives. It would be a good idea to “shut up and listen” to them, we actually need drop everything and just listen to them; with teens its a rarity that they would actually want to talk to us, if they do come to us we need to be there, because that means they are seeking to connect with us and when we do that they come back to us in a much more loving manner ‎إن شاء الله‬. It’s important to act with wisdom and put ourselves in their shoes, go back to when we were teens and the struggles we had at the time, if we can do that, we will be filled with compassion for them. Now this does not not mean we do not set limits with them, and how we do this is, from a loving place, without the drama of yelling and shouting, but we are setting a limit by staying firm and assertive.
4) Considering the scenario today what should a teenager do to hold his religious ground as well as able to survive in the hostile environment?
My advice is again for the parents first, and how we interact and connect with them, this sets the foundation for a teenager to survive the challenges of these times. When we have that kind of relationship in place, we would be the ones they would come to with anything, there wouldn’t be secrets, they should be able to come to us and talk to us about anything and everything and we as mothers need to stop over-reacting and show them that they can talk to us about everything. [One tip that I would like to give mum’s is when you children come back from school, keep yourself completely free at that time, because that’s the time they are waiting to pour out about their day to you, once that time passes they will not come back with it again, try it if you like, try asking about their day a little later, the answers you would get will be vague.] Teaching them the importance of good friends is so important, and it is also emphasized so much in our deen, the hadith where Prophet‎ﷺ‎‬, compares a good companion to a perfume seller and a bad companion to a blacksmith, and also in another hadith that we are upon the religion of our friends, meaning the powerful influence our friends have upon us. Know who their friends are and encourage them to have friends who remind them of Allah‎ﷻ‬, mingle with families who are on the same wavelength as you and who have children with similar age groups. Also encourage them to volunteer, in Islamic gatherings, or events, this will help them in building responsibility and self confidence. You can even make it family thing and volunteer together. For children, obeying their parents is very important and they are their best friends, the other friends will come and go, but no one can replace our parents and they are the ones who feel our pain and hurt with us when we hurt and feel the joy with us when we are happy.
5) Any last words.
We don’t own our kids we don’t have control over their lives only Allah does and our job as parents is to do the best in our capacity to show them the right direction, teach them Islam, inculcate the love of Allah and Prophet‎ﷺ‎‬ in their hearts, and make lots and lots of Du’aa. Nothing is possible for us, but to Allah nothing is impossible.
 
 
 
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IS YOUR EEMAN CURVE UNDULATING??

 

EEMAN GRAPH

Assalam alai kum akhawat,

Alhamdulillah returned back from vacation in India last week. July,August is holiday time everywhere except a few Asian countries.  But this time around I felt that my ibaadah in vacation was not as I routinely do. Though Alhamdulillah I readily pray tahajjud but during holidays I was struggling to get up even for Fajr. I took it a bit lenienltly until I was talking with a friend  on phone who experienced the same phenomenon during her holidays. Infact many of us experience this situation sometime or the other in our lives. Why does this happen and what can we do to prevent it?

Many of us may shrug this off as a temporary phenomenon and may walk off. But if ignored this can weaken or decrease our faith ( eeman) making us susceptible to attack by shaytaan.So does Eemaan decrease or increase.Oh yes it does . ( Majority of scholars agree to it except Imam Hanifa ,but due to scope of this article I shall not discuss further on this viewpoint).It just does not happens with us but even sahaabas and imams experienced it. ‘Umar Ibn al-Khattaab may Allaah be pleased with him, used to say to his companions: “Come on, so that we may increase our eemaan”. The lmaam of the Ahl as-Sunnah Ahmad ibn Hanbal, may Allaah have mercy upon him, was asked as to whether eemaan increases and decreases. He replied: “It increases until it reaches the highest part of the seventh heaven, and it decreases until it reaches the lowest part of the seventh plane.” Narratives of this sort from them are numerous.

So what should we do in such an instance. Just  think that this is what even the salaf faced and let go of it. NO!We should take action. There have been incidents wherin people ignored the decrease in faith and gradually it overpowered them to such an extent that they became of those completely misguided .( May Allah protect us all  from the same). To make a plan of action we must first determine its cause. Some of the causes are as follow

  • Weakness of eeman (Da’h fil eeman):  This leads to various types of illness like “Kaswatul Qalb”- the hardness of the heart,
  • “Wa suhuratul wuqufil Ma’aasi” – and the easiness of falling into sin and laziness  in obedience or worship  to Allah
  • Wal inshighaal fiddunya”- and being busy with the Dunya – the material world. Being more attached to wordly things than following commandments of Allah. 
  • Ittiaa’ad”- staying away or being faraway from “Arqatus saalihah” – from righteous companions and being friend with people who are astray.
  • Wa kafratul Jidaal’  – a lot of arguing and debate and dissension
  • Wa majaaris al ilm”- from the cities of knowledge. Spending more time on entertainment areas than centers of knowledge
  • Being struck  with heedlessness, troubled with forgetfulness and turning  away
  • Committing Disobedience and Embarking upon SinfulDeeds
  •  Shaytaan has no desire or goal other than to jolt the eemaan in the hearts of the believers and to weaken and corrupt it. Whoever submits to the whisperings of Shaytaan, complies with his notions and does not retreat to Allaah for refuge from him, his eemaan weakens and decreases.
  • Setting high unrealistic goals very quickly and being inconsistent: Sometimes we set targets for our ibaadah which is difficult to achieve.Also tires us . For eg we commit to pray the whole night and then miss fajr salaah. Also we are inconsistent.    
  • Indulging in vain talk like gossiping instead of dhikr of Allah    

     To conclude I do realise that our energy in doing Ibaadah may not be consistent throughout the year. Especially during vacation time when we meet our loved ones or visit places of sightseeing . But the reason is we have misunderstood the meaning of Ibaadah. For us ibaadah means just praying salaah and reading quran. But we fail to realise that with certain consciousness and awareness about Allah even simple daily tasks like cooking,taking care of your family,sleeping and eating ,visiting relatives,going on a picnic can turn into ibaadah. And this shall also help us being consistent in faith. For it is mentioned by authentic narrations that Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Take up good deeds only as much as you are able, for the best deeds are those done regularly even if they are few.”    

Inshaa Allah in the next blog we shall discuss more on being consistent in faith and overcoming undulations in eeman curve. Till then remember your sister in deen in your duaas.

Aameen    

 

Healing Sunnah way through Hijamah by Dr. Ghazala Mulla

Healing the body
Assalam alai kum sisters, Abdullah ibn Abbas (R.A )reported that the Messenger (SAWS) said, “I did not pass by an angel from the angels on the night journey except that they all said to me: Upon you is cupping (hijama), O Muhammad.” [Saheeh Sunan ibn Maajah (3477)].In todays world as the number of diseases ,ailments are increasing and medicines are giving more side effects than curing the disease …….ITS TIME TO REVIVE THE SUNNAH. We had  a live session on our facebook group Alhamdulillah I am a productive Muslimah with Dr Ghazala Mulla who is HOD of Physiology department of Z.V.M.Unani Medical College & Hospital and has presented 8 papers in both NAtional and International Conferences. She is quite commited to revive the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad ( SAWS) and along with her friends has started Hijamah therapy at Herbs and Hakim center in India. InshaAllah . She enlightened us on Hijamah ,its benefits,side effects and information you should know if you plan to do it. To view recording of live session click here https://www.theislamickidstore.com/pages/healing-with-hijamah
Assalam alai kum Maam.Tell us something about yourself?
Walikum Salam,I am Ghazala Mulla.I am a Unani Physician and Hijamah Therapist.Presently I am serving as Head of the Dept.of Physiology in Z.V.M.Unani Medical College & Hospital,Azam Campus,Camp,Pune,Maharashtra India.Teaching Physiology subject to undergraduate medical students for last 19 years and Medical Genetics to Postgraduate students for last 10 years.I am practising Unani System of Medicine and doing Hijamah for last 10 yrs.Currently doing research on two research project funded by Ministry of AYUSH,Govt.of India,New Delhi.I have written a book on Hijamah which is accepted by Central Council of Indian Medicine (Unani),Govt.of India,New Delhi as a reference book for the BUMS course.I have presented scientific paper in International Conferences in countries like Turkey,Abu Dhabi,Srilanka etc.and Presented Scientific paper in National Conferences in almost every major city of India.I have delivered lectures on Massage Therapy,Cupping therapy as a resource person and trained doctors for Hijamah in major cities of India.
What benefits does Unani medicine have over Allopathic and Ayurveda drugs?
Every system of medicine is based on specific principles and they have been evolved in different era.Each system be it Allopathic,Unani,Ayurveda or Homeopathy have their own merits and demerits,so I can not opine that Unani System of Medicine have benefits over other system of medicine.Unani Physicians or Hakeems have an holistic approach towards the disease.Unani Medicines are effective,safe with minimal or no side effects if prescribed correctly after correct diagnosis of the disease.Musculoskeletal disorders like knee pain,frozen shoulder,back ache and cervical pain can be successfully treated with massage therapy and dry,fire or wet cupping without prescribing the medicine.
What is Islamic perspective in Unnani medicine?Any quranic or sunnah evidences about Hijamah and other sunnah medicine you follow?
There is no seprate section as islamic medicine in the syllabus of BUMS.Unani Sytem of medicine is based on Hippocrates Theory of humors.They are Dum(Blood),Balgham(Phlegm),Safra(yellow bile) and Sauda(black bile).which are formed in the body after digestion of food.Certain Medicine advised by the Prophet (PBUH) is used by Unani Physicians e.g.Qust Sheeri,Olive oil,Pomogrante and kalonji etc.Several Hadees are mentioned in Bukhari Shreef,Mishkat Shareef and sinin Ibn Maja regarding Hijamah which has been advices by the Prophet(PBUH).
What is Hijamah and what does it include? Also you do steaming and other methods . Kindly elaborate on procedure?
Hijamah is a procedure of relieving local congestion or used for systemic diseases.At our center Herbs and Hakim we provide massage therapy,steam bath,leech therapy and Dry cupping,fire cupping and wet cupping with unani medicine.
What are benefits of Hijamah? Which diseases are covered?What is success rate?
Prophet (PBUH) said Hijamah cures all diseases.I have quoted 17 hadees about the site,days and date of hijamah advice by the Prophet(PBUH).We have treated Migraine,Cervical spondylosis,frozen shoulder,palmar and Planter fascitis,back ach,sciatica,male and female sexual disorders,skin disease mental disorders and many more.The sucess rate is quite high.
Are there any side effects of Hijamah. Also what should a person keep in mind whie choosing a Hijamah practitioner?
There is no side effects if Hijamah is done correctly under hygienic condition.Some people may feel giddiness or nausea.but it is a temporary.Hijamah therapist must be a qualified person.He or she must be an experienced person.
Which countries or destinations do you plan to cover?
Hijamah should be practiced in every country.
What advise would you give to medical students who doubt efficacy of hijamah and unnani medicine or have serious concerns of how lucrative this field is?
Hijamah is very effective if done correctly. Unani Medicine are also effective ,safe and pocket friendly and easily avaliable.People are coming back towards unani System of medicine.So I see grate future of Unani System of Medicine.
( You can whatsapp Dr Ghazala Mulla at +91 99224 10312. Alternatively visit her website http://www.herbsandhakim.in/ for appointment )
 
 

Anger Management: Pscycho Islamic perspective

anger
Anger is very common these days. It may be mild ,moderate or severe. Statistics prove that 80% of youth are angry. Genderwise 95% woman have been found to be involved in verbal agression. Its high time we confront this. InshaAllah on Thursday 10:15 am UAE time Sr. Umm Marwan Ibrahim a psychological counsellor was  in live conversation discussing about causes,effects and dealing with ANger. Also some real life casestudies were  discussed.Below is excerpt of  Live chat which was held  EXCLUSIVELY ON Alhamdulillah I am a productive Muslimah facebook group.
1) Tell me something about yourself?
Assalamu ‘alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu dear sisters. Alhamdulillah, it’s an honor to be giving this talk. BarakAllahu feeki for inviting me to your interview. My name is Rabiya Dawood (aka Umm Marwan Ibrahim). I hold a Bachelor’s degree in Islamic Studies from the Islamic Online University, and a Diploma in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) from the NLP Centre of Excellence. I’m a mother to a 10-month-old. I am a counselor at a couple of non-profit organizations online. And I also freelance as writer and copy editor. Walhamdulillahi Rabbil ‘aalameen. You can check me out at http://www.ummarwanportfolio.wordpress.com
2) Alhamdulillah thats great, is anger dependent on gender?
That’s an interesting question. I can understand why one may think that anger is a gender-dependent emotion. Because which gender do we immediately think of when we hear the word ‘anger’ or ‘angry’? I’m pretty sure you’d say that it’s the male gender. This is most probably because we are far too accustomed to the stereotype of anger being a ‘masculine’ emotion. For example, we’d be ashamed to hear of our daughter getting into a fistfight on the playground, but may not feel as much shame or shock if our son did the same. To say the least, it’s much easier for our minds to accept the latter scenario than the former. Interestingly though, this idea of anger being intrinsically masculine is baseless. There have been numerous studies conducted across the world on this subject. And they reveal that men and women generated similar anger scores. What this means is that men and women experience anger almost equally. However, although men and women experience anger similarly, they express their feelings of anger quite differently. Men tend to express anger through active means, such as hitting, or throwing objects, while women use more passive-aggressive means, like withdrawing affection, gossiping, or crying. Whatever the case, anger is not a masculine emotion but a human emotion, and anger management is something that is needed for both genders.
3)What factors influence anger?
Anger is a very broad emotion, and is often the expression of some other underlying feeling. There are several factors that could contribute to someone feeling angry, the most common ones of which are: – Frustration: when things don’t go the way we want them to – Annoyance: anything that interrupts what we are doing – Mistreatment: when we feel that we have been treated unfairly – Abuse: physical or verbal – Disappointment: dissatisfaction caused by someone’s behavior These are all triggers that cause anger within a person. Anger management is much easier when we identify what triggered our anger in the first place.
4) What are harmful effects of anger?
Anger does not fail to harm our physical, mental, and even spiritual well-being; a person who cannot manage his anger well is more prone to heart ailments, high blood pressure, tachycardia (rapid heartbeat), hyperventilation, stress, depression, and low eeman among others. And in the long run, anger has a record of damaging relationships, careers, and even one’s self-worth. How many divorces have we seen that result out of anger! There is no limit to what anger can lead a person to do. The consequences can range from cursing another, to hurting them physically or emotionally, to even taking someone else’s life!
 5) When is anger justified?
As I’d mentioned, there are cases in which anger is justified. The Prophet never got angry except when the commandments of Allah were violated. However, if we do feel anger for the sake of Allah, we should make sure that we are not actually getting angry for our own ego or interests. So it is justified in cases when it is a question of our deen. And along with the protection of our deen, it also includes the protection to our lives, freedom, property and honor. So if any of these rights of ours were at stake, then our anger is very much justified. However, how we choose to express this anger makes all the difference.
Let me give you an example from the story of Prophet Yusuf (alayhissalaam).
When the king sent a messenger to get Prophet Yusuf released from prison, he didn’t come out right away. He in fact, sent the messenger back asking about the status of the woman who’d caused him to be imprisoned. This is because he didn’t want to come out until his name was cleared of the heinous crime that he was accused of. He was angry about that. But he expressed his anger in a firm and constructive manner. And it was only when his name was cleared, that he agreed to be released. See Qur’an (12:50)
5) What can one do if angry?
We can find plenty of foolproof tips from the Sunnah as recommended by our beloved Prophet (peace be upon him). They also serve as immediate remedies to combating anger. I’ll mention just a few of them in this webinar: 1. Isti’adhah Sulayman ibn Sard said: “I was sitting with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and two men were slandering one another. One of them was red in the face, and the veins on his neck were standing out. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, ‘I know a word which, if he were to say it, what he feels would go away. If he said “I seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan,” what he feels (i.e., his anger) would go away.’” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 6/337) This is the very first step. Seeking refuge in Allah; seeking our Creator’s help in protection against whom? Against shaytaan and his evil whispers. 2. Change position The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If any of you becomes angry and he is standing, let him sit down, so his anger will go away; if it does not go away, let him lie down.” The wisdom behind this advice is that by changing our position from standing to sitting, or from sitting to lying down, we’re reducing our own chances of doing something regretful. We’d be less likely to strike the other person – one who’s angered us – in the sitting and reclining positions. 3. Stay silent When we get angry, we tend to lose control. So we shouldn’t be uttering words in that state. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If any of you becomes angry, let him keep silent.” (Reported by Imaam Ahmad, al-Musnad, 1/329; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 693, 4027). 4. Wudu’ Verily, anger comes from Satan and Satan was created from fire. Fire is extinguished with water, so if you become angry then perform ablution with water.” (Sunan Abī Dāwūd 4784; hasan) There are many tips that contemporary psychology also gives us. I’d like to highlight a few of them: 1. Identify the trigger (as we’ve discussed earlier) 2. Employ ‘Cognitive Restructuring’ Where you – as hard as it may sound – try to think of any positive you can in the situation. The way we perceive something decides the way in which we would react to it. So event A has happened. If we were to consider it to be the end of the world (unless it really is the end of the world), then we’d behave like it is the end of the world. But if we take it to be a piece of cake, then that’s what it is for us. So change your cognition, do anything you can do to shift your perspective; because perspective is not always reality. 3. Be assertive Being assertive means to convey what you want to in an objective manner without intending to hurt the other’s feelings. So you choose your words carefully, and say what you want firmly but without sounding mean or stubborn. Remember Yusuf (alayhissalam)’s assertiveness…? I would like to add to this list one thing that we should NOT be doing – an absolutely crucial point. And that is not to make decisions in the state of anger. When we’re angry, our mind doesn’t work straight. It gets muddled; hazy to discern right from wrong.
6)What is islamic perspective on anger?
First and foremost, Islam tells us that anger is from Shaytaan; it’s one of his evil whispers. This should be enough to make us realize how evil anger can get, should we let it. Abu Hurayrah, may Allaah be pleased with him, reported that a man said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), “Advise me.” He said, “Do not become angry.” The man repeated his request several times, and each time the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told him, “Do not become angry.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath al-Bari, 10/456) According to another report, the man said: “I thought about what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, and I realized that anger combines all kinds of evil.” (Musnad Ahmad, 5/373) Islam also gives us an understanding of the importance of anger management. “The strong man is not the one who can wrestle, but it is the one who can control himself when he is angry.” (Bukhari)
7)Now some quick questions. What should i do when—
1) My kid messes up the whole room and causes some damage by playing?
2) I have tried a new dish by giving lots of effort whole day and it turns out ok but I receive criticism from inlaws and husband?
3) Someone speaks bad about my religion on social media forum or in a one to one conversation?
4) My kids waste time and do not offer salaah inspite of repeated reminders?
Kid messes up room: What should we do in such an instance? Ideally, I’d ask you to take a deep breath. As we said, take a moment before you speak, or shout at your child for that matter. Calm your mind. And I’d say, go a step further and make this into a learning opportunity for your child. Make him clean up the room after himself. Or if he is too small, ask him to help you in cleaning up the room. Explain that since he was the one that created the mess in the first place, it is his responsibility to fix it. Also, be glad that there was damage to material property but no injury to your child. That’s what’s most important. You won’t be too mad then. So remind yourself that shouting may do more harm than good anyways. So opt for the better way out.
– New dish gone wrong: In this case, you could either take their criticisms too hard on yourself and sulk, and even talk back, or give a deaf ear, or simply take the valid points out of the criticisms. Ask yourself which is the best response for yourself? In every situation that you’re placed in, you’re the best person to decide the best possible response. Any of it could be good for you (unless of course, sulking and talking back). You may feel that turning a deaf ear to criticism from your in-laws may be actually good, if your case is such that you’ve got genuinely difficult in-laws (I hope not, though). But if not, and they do mean well, but just don’t know how to speak sometimes, then the best thing you could do is to take the good out of it in an objective context only to better yourself and your cooking! So ask yourself what response would help most.
– Someone slandered the deen: This is a sticky one. We all get riled up when it comes to someone talking badly about our deen. We just can’t take it! And it is absolutely right to have this rage when we hear someone say something bad about Islam. What’s not ok, though, is to let that rage blind us. We see so many examples of this blind rage on the net, whether in forums, or FaceBook posts, or YouTube comments! SubhanAllah, YouTube comments are enough to let me make my point. There’s so much of cussing, so much of horrible speech that goes on in the name of da’wah but what good does it really do? Nothing. we can get frustrated when we hear someone speaking ill of our religion. But we need to act with wisdom. Criticisms against Islam happen all the time; there’s no stopping it. We just need to be able to be level-headed about it. So pick your battles. See when it is appropriate to advise someone – then itself, or a little while later. What sort of words would help. How to convey it – publically, or privately. Consider all these factors and respond accordingly. Book Recommendations: The Prophet’s Method of Correcting People’s Mistakes by Sh. Salih al-Munajjid; Islamic Awakening by Sh. Al-Uthaymeen –
Kids waste time and neglect salah: If you feel like you’ve tried everything and they still don’t offer their prayers on time, then you are bound to get frustrated. However, don’t lose it. Keep yourself in control, tell yourself that you are in control, and do what’s needed. I’d suggest the age-old advice: Lead by example. Nothing can beat this. So at the time of prayer, make sure that you stop what you’re doing and go to pray. In front of them. Also, get creative. If you’ve got more than two kids, make the older one lead. They’d feel a sense of responsibility, and it would be just more fun. Revolve their daily activities around salah so that praying then comes naturally to their routine, and they don’t consider it as a separate task for which they have to allocate time.
Finally At the end of our webinar, I would like to stress something.
It is extremely easy to preach about anger and controlling it, but the real test comes in our practice during the times of anger. One of the steps that would help us in overcoming our anger, other than actually taking the steps, is to acknowledge that it is a struggle. It is a struggle to control our anger. It may not come easy. But that’s also why Allah rewards us immensely for this jihaad. So make lots of du’a to Allah to help you to be successful in this struggle of yours. And be assured that small, gradual and conscious steps will help you in making anger management your second nature insha Allah
( Sr Rabia can be contacted at www.ummarwanportfolio.wordpress.com)
 
 
 

 

Muslimah fertility friend

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Bismillahirrahmanirraheem .
Alhamdulillah being a mother is a blessing. But for many this journey is not smooth because of infertility ,miscarriage,PCOS,hormonal imbalances etc. So for the benefit of all the woman in this group we have today the founder of Muslimah fertlity friend Dr. Tehseen Malik to elaborate on this and explain it with reference to Islam. The interview is a bit long but  Dr. Tehsin was kind enough to share a lot of information Alhamdulillah . So all sisters kindly do read it and gain benefit Inshaallah.
Tell me something about yourself and Muslimah fertility friend?
As Salam Alaikum, I am Dr. Tehsin Malik, a doctor of Ayurvedic(Alternative) medicine and Surgery with my Post graduate Diploma in Promotive and Preventive Health and a special interest in Women wellness pertaining to Hormonal health – PCOS and Fertility issues. Alhumdulillah, I am a mother of 3 and SubhanAllah having suffered and overcome Fertilty issues like miscarriage and temporary infertility myself, I have founded Muslimah Fertility Friend as an online portal to help Sister Conceive Naturally in the light of Medical Science and Islam. I help sisters by giving Fertility diet and lifestyle plan including herbal supplements. I counsel and guide them on fertility issues and how to fight these conditions naturally!
What are  causes of infertlity in woman. Why are infertility cases rising now?
Well, let me tell you there are lots of causes because of which sisters suffer from Fertility problems and one of the major cause being PCOS and Hormonal imbalance. Sadly these numbers are growing at an alarming rate. The root cause being intake of Unhealthy Diet and Lifestyle for years that has become a norm in our society. These factors contribute to toxins and Xeno-hormones (bad hormones) in our body that imbalances the natural hormone levels bringing around conditions like PCOS/PCOD, Miscarriages, Irregular periods and Ann-ovulation and poor egg health.
PCOD is quite common today. How can natural intervention help?
PCOD (Poly Cystic Ovarian Disease) or PCOS ( Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) is a condition of our body where long term hormonal imbalance causes group of symptoms like Irregular or Absent periods, Cystic in Ovaries, Too much facial/body hair in females, Acne, Abnormal weight gain, difficulty loosing weight, No Ovulation or Irregular ovulation and INFERTILITY. Other direct hormonal problems in PCOS include: Insulin Resistance, Thyroid disorders, Hyper Prolactenemia, raised FSH etc. But as we know the root cause to all this problems is Hormonal Imbalance in our Endocrine system! Conventionally there is a practice of giving hormonal pills / Oral contraceptives pills to PCOS patients which helps to subside the symptoms for a short period of time but usually leads to further complication when you stop using them. Worldwide doctors and Medical experts unanimously agree that the best & effective approach to fight PCOS/PCOD is Natural approach where you bring around healthy scientific changes to your Diet, add nutritional and herbal supplements, correct Life-style that help you balance hormones. This has proven to be a very effective way of fighting PCOS, balancing hormones and has helped many sister conceive. The best part of fighting PCOS naturally is that you are instilling healthy changes to you daily habits which will help you prevent other health conditions as well and lead a healthy lifestyle for you and your family.
Are there any references in ISlam about infertility and its treatment?
Allah (S.W.T.) talks about begetting an offspring at couple of instances in Quraan. Allah says in the Quran “Money and Children are the joys of this world” but also says “know that your money and children are but a test for you”. In that sense, just as Allah tests some people with wealth and others with poverty, He tests some with children and others with not having children. Just as not having money is in no way a sign of Allah’s displeasure and similarly not having children dosent make you deficient in any way! I always ask sisters to keep Tawakkal in Allah’s decree and NOT to STOP making dua to Allah as the Quran has many examples of righteous people who were given children in their old age. Your dua can do wonders. But when you make dua, ask Allah to grant you children so they can serve the Deen as Zakariya (as) did. There are specific duaas mentioned in Quraan for begetting a righteous offspring and I firmly recommend using those Duaas to invoke Allah for curing Infertility. Lots of sisters fall into ways that are not approved by Sunnah. May Allah save our Muslimahs and us from doing anything that is not a part of Quraan and Sunnah. You may pray the du’aa’ of Zakariya (peace be upon him), who said: “Rabbi laa tadharni fardan wa anta khayr ul-waaritheen (O my Lord! Leave me not single (childless), though You are the Best of the inheritors).” “Rabbi hab li min ladunka dhurriyyatan tayyibatan innaka samee’ al-du’aa’ (O my Lord! Grant me from You a good offspring. You are indeed the All-Hearer of invocation).” As far as fertility treatment in Islam is concerned there is immense healing found in Fertility issues, by the use of foods that are mentioned in Quraan and Sunnah. Dietary supplements like Apple Cider Vinegar, Honey, Figs, Dates, Olives are the key supplements that are used as a part of Fertility diet, that balances the hormones and aids in boosting fertility. Administration of ‘Hijama’ therapy which is a Sunnah too has shown drastic improvements in PCOS and Fertility issues. Nourishing Sunnah preparations like Talbinah, Nabeez etc are known to improve egg health and reproductive health in general. There are lots of herbs mentioned in Tibb – E _ nabwi which has herbal medicinal value for PCOS and Fertility issues.
How effective are treament of IVF ,LAprascopy etc. Are they allowed in Islam?
Techniques like IUI, IVF, ICSI are procedures where medical experts manually help, supervise and aid the process of Fertilization. However these procedures have their ratio of success and failure too. These procedures are allowed or disallowed in Islam under as per couples medical situation. Also strict conditions should be observed while opting for this technique. They should be opted as a last resort and not as an initial choice for Conception. If a couple wants to under take this procedure, they have to be very careful in selecting a genuine Doctor and fertility center. Also females should receive treatments from female doctor and staff, where as male should be treated by male doctors only. For Further clarification on this you may refer to below fatwa:-https://islamqa.info/en/98604 As far as Laproscopy is concerened it is a diagnostic procedure that is also used as a treatment for certain conditions. It should be opted if there is a genuine need for it. It is very much advised to take opinion of good gynecology experts to establish if this procedure is of any importance in ones case and discuss what will be its outcome? Also same ruling applies here – Female should receive treatment from female Doctor and staff.
Some woman who have infertility issues ,even after pregnancy experience difficulty.Like I know many friends who are advised bed rest in all their pregnancy? Kindly elaborate.
As I mentioned earlier, usually the root cause of fertility issue is hormonal imbalance and lack of normal rhythm of functions of your reproductive system. As a part of conventional Infertility treatment, eggs are made to mature artificially. Ovaries are stimulated artificially to release eggs and also implantation is aided with injections and medicines. All these are Artificial Hormones which have aided the process of fertilization. When the effect of these artificial hormones start fading, your body tries to go back to its natural state. This is where problems arise during pregnancy and sisters are advised bed rest to avoid miscarriage and more hormones are administered. Now after high levels of artificial hormones induced in ones body, sisters experience its complications even Post pregnancy in terms of ovarian cysts and other hormonal issues.
How do you achieve your Islamic goals? How do you balance work and home?
As far as my personal Ibaadah is concerend, I make sure I always make time to fulfill my daily obligation in terms of Salah and Quraan memorisation. Praying Tahajjud or Qiyam helps me with better focus and I feel energetic and encouraged. As for my family, I make sure I prioritize and organize my family time. I firmly believe that attending husband, taking care of his affairs and needs, is a part of my religious obligation and try to honor it as much possible. Also my children are ‘Amanah’ from Allah. I am trusted by Allah to raise them well and nurture them righteous and healthy environment. SubhanAllah, the reason why I had to quit my clinical practice was better upbringing of my children. My parents and my husbands parents are back home in India and we try to make sure we keep a close contact with them and visit them often. Alhudulillah duaas of our parents hold immense Baraqah in whaatever we do.Upholding ties with our relatives is also something we as a family strive for. I know that Allah has blessed me with this medical expertise, knowledge and resources and hence I have and obligation to give back to our Ummah. That’s the reason I started Muslimah Fertility Friend to empower sisters with knowledge and guidance to Fight conditions like PCOS and take control of their Fertility. Alhumdulillah, I have shifted my focus to online work on weekdays during morning hours when my kids are at school. I work on Muslimah Fertility while takiing care of my toddler at home.This online Muslimah Fertility project has given my a liberty to continue contributing to Ummah and fulfill my family obligations.
What advise would you like to give to members of this group who are not able to conceive?
Sisters who are fighting PCOS, or having other fertility issues need to implement these 4 modules. Please keep in mind these modules should be collectively administered for 3 to 6 month on regular basis to get desirable results. 1. Improving connection with Allah(S.W.T.) – Working out – in terms of personal Ibaadah and Zikr. Using of permissible ways and authentic fertility duaas from Quraan and Sunnah to invoke Allah’s mercy. Always ask Allah for a healthy and righteous offspring who will grow up to serve Deen and humanity and not just to give you a Label of being Parent. Doing lots of Astagfar and praying Qiyam or Tahajjud has immense benefits when it comes to duaas being accepted. 2. Fertility Detox and Diet – Plan a detox and diet specially appropriate for boosting fertility under a medical supervison. A Fertility Detox is a special type of cleanse that is carried out in our body to eliminate toxins and xeno – hormones before you plan to conceive. Once your system is clean it is easier to boost your reproductive functions like ovulation and implantation by balancing the body hormones. So while you have a Fertility diet, make sure you include herbal supplements, Fertility smoothies, Teas made with fertility boosting and hormone balancing herbs that will help you regularise periods, balance hormones and boost ovulation. Some of these herbs being Shatavri, Maca and Royal Jelly. Use of Prenatals is highly recommended. Preprations like Smoothies and Salads should be taken on daily basis and ensuring the availablity of its ingredients at all times prevents you form not being able to do follow it right. Planning your meals ahead to time to ensure you are able to enjoy them without being tempted to settle down for unhealthy choices. 3. Lifestyle changes:- They include observing the timings of 5 time Salah and planning your day around it. Getting up for Fajr and doing physical workout like brisk walking, breathing exercises or light to moderate training is highly recommended. Make sure to you follow your body’s biological clock and take care of your meal timings. Waking up, Eating and Sleeping on right time ensures your organs are less stressed and results in normalizing body’s metabolism. Following Sunnah of eating will make your infertility and PCOS fight easier! Always make sure you injest your body with small portions of healthy and clean foods that helps your hormones and fertility! 4. Fertility Therapies:- Hijama(wet cupping) is much recommended Sunnah and has great benefits in conditions like PCOS, Female and Male Infertility. Other therapies like Castor oil pack and Self fertility massage helps to improve circulation to uterus and ovaries thus helping reproductive system to function in a proper way. These therapies have shown considerable improvements in patients with Fertility issues and PCOS. When all these modules are planned and administered collectively – major hormonal issues, ovulation problems and fertility issues are eliminated leaving behind a healthy body and healthy pregnancy InshaAllah! The best a man/woman can do is to treat oneself with permissible medicines which may have an effect on diseases one is suffering, whether the problem is infertility or something else. In all situations, the Muslim should accept and be content with the decree of Allah, even if he is to remain infertile for the rest of his life. It could be that his patience may be better for him than a child. Everything that Allah decrees has wisdom and a reason behind it, and everything is subject to His Will and Command. Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): “To Allah belongs the kingdom of the heaven and the earth. He creates what He wills. He bestows female (offspring) upon whom He wills, and bestows male (offspring) upon whom He wills. [al-Shoora 42:49-50] May Allah bless our Prophet Muhammad and May grant Sisters with healthy and righteous offspring. Ameen
 
 

TRAIN YOUR MIND FOR MEMORISING SURAH

Bismillahirrahmanirraheem

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Assalam alaikum sisters,

Before we start learning Surah Kahf Inshaallah I wanted to discuss an important aspect of the benefits of memorising,difficulties experienced in memorising and solution for the same.

The reason I bought this topic was I have a thyroid disorder myself . Initial stages I suffered from  symtoms like forgetting . And thus I know how forgetting things affect your productivity .But Alhamdulillah I have tried to overcome it and not let it affect my learning about Islam.  Forgetting and unable to memorise something is quite common after children considering the rapid changes in our life. Its also found in aged woman. But primarily I believe learning cannot stop at any age . Alhamdulillah Islam is such a wide field of learning that you have to keep learning all your life. You are never a scholar. Its encouraging to see so many old woman coming to my hifdh class and I tell you they are no less in learning compared to younger girls Alhamdulillah . There maybe several reasons for your forgetfulness but with right approach you can overcome Inshaallah. Discussing below some tips for the same.

  • Have faith in Allah . Make Duaa to Allah ( SWT). Have the intention to only please him.Start learning by saying Bismillah and also seek refuge from Shaytaan.
  • Your memory is like a muscle: It needs training in order to develop.
  • Have you seen some old iron objects which has not been used for a long time . It starts rusting. Same is for our brain. We are learning till our university days. After that there is no access to any sort of learning. So our memorising ability decreases.
  • Learn by relating. Arabic is a new language to most of Asians. Primarily we do not understand it. My method is to open word to word quran translation when I am learning the Surah. It may take more time initially . But helps in the long run in helping you retain or remember surah. Start relating words with the meaning and then Inshaallah you shall not forget.
  • Do not lose hope. Its human nature to forget.If you are getting confused initially be calm , you are going the right way
  • Read it loud. There is an Aayat app available .It has a feature by which you can repeat after reciter. So Alhamdulillah you learn with tajweed. I prefer reciter Hushary. But no app is a substitute to a teacher . Its best to have a teacher Inshaallah.
  • First try reading the Surah verse with tajweed several times . Then learn without seeing 10 times. Some people even write(Though I skip this step). Finally keep repeating the whole day. While cooking,doing your regular chores,travelling etc.
  • HAve an accountability partner. It could be in the form of a group activity,friend partner . This is mainly to have discipline in case if one feels lazy alone. Remember Shaytaan shall lay his traps in different forms. Seek refuge in Allah and overcome Inshaallah.
  • Once you have memorised ,read in your Salaah so you remember for a long time. .
  • Remember benefits of memorising. Infact stick it somewhere near your workplace so that it keeps you motivated
  1. “If anyone learns by heart the first ten verses of the Surah al-Kahf, he will be protected from the Dajjal.” [Muslim]
  2. He who does not memorize any part from the Qur’an he is like the ruined house.[At-Tirmidhi]
  3. The  more you memorize, the higher the rank.                                                                             Recite and rise up, and be increased in reward with every Ayah.[Tirmidhi]
  4. The tenth verse is a wonderful dua which those young people of the cave (who Allah presented as role models for the youth) made . So every time you recite these verses, you make this dua also                                                                                                                                                Our Lord! bestow on us Mercy from Thyself, and dispose of our affair for us in the right way!”